


Alone Protects Me

by VisionaryGalaxy



Series: A Thousand Futures of Me and You [117]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Boys In Love, Don't copy to another site, Hopeful Ending, Hurt Stephen Strange, I Don't Even Know, Loneliness, M/M, Mild Smut, Pining, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-07
Updated: 2019-05-07
Packaged: 2020-02-27 21:19:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18747322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VisionaryGalaxy/pseuds/VisionaryGalaxy
Summary: Stephen realized that sometimes the truth was all you had, brittle and bitter as it might be.





	Alone Protects Me

**Author's Note:**

> This had a different ending, but this just felt right.

   “You don’t have to be alone.”

   The words echoed in the silence of the Sanctum, making Stephen close his eyes against them, back to Tony’s earnest expression. It was easier, always easier to keep his eyes fixed on the window, blurred from the raindrops sliding down the pane.

   “Stephen.”

   A shiver went down his spine at the intimacy lacing his name and that voice, the soft edge that revealed just how far they had strayed in their arrangement. The Cloak tightened around him, as though trying to reassure him that it was alright. It wasn’t, and Stephen wasn’t, and Tony didn’t know what he was talking about.

   Footsteps echoed quietly and it took effort not to flinch, instead, halting his progress with harsh words, “we’re all alone and sometimes its better that way.”

   He didn’t need to turn to see the hurt in Tony’s expression, to know that he was narrowing his eyes, working his jaw in preparation of an argument or scathing reply, all in the name of hiding himself away somewhere safe from Stephen.

   “You should go,” Stephen said quietly, all the fight having left him a week ago when Tony had let those damning words slip from his lips.

   It was supposed to be simple, a way of holding off the loneliness that ached inside him, when he and Tony fell into bed together. There had been no illusions, hashing out the details quick and efficient come morning. Sex and company, the dreaded pull of friends with benefits that he should have _known_ better then to agree to.

   That wasn’t to say it hadn’t worked…for awhile. Their encounters were not even so common as to be considered more then a passing interaction, once every two weeks, then later once a week. Both men were far too busy to be going at it like they would have in their younger days and that was part of the appeal; stress relief and a kind touch after days of stale work and mind-numbing studies.

   “I don’t want to.”

   Stephen could feel the tremble in his fingers as he forced them into fists, well hidden beneath the Cloak. Tony’s voice was hard, control being exerted to keep from shoving this into a yelling match and despite himself Stephen allowed a wry smile at the implication.

   Of course, he didn’t want to. Tony had made it clear that he didn’t much care for Stephen’s indifference any longer. Though in truth, he was anything but. Perhaps that was why Stephen couldn’t bare to look him in the eye right now, terrified that Tony would be able to see through his carefully crafted mask.

   “We don’t always get what we want.”

   A huff, pure frustration, it would be funny if it wasn’t breaking Stephen’s heart, “you’ll find I’m not in the habit of giving up easily.”

   As if Stephen didn’t already know that. This passed week had been marked by the string of increasingly desperate phone calls, pounding on his front door, hell, even showing up at battles that the man _knew_ was Stephen’s jurisdiction and not shield’s.

   Wong had told him to handle it, and this was him doing just that. Even if it hurt worse to confront him then it did to ignore him, even if Stephen had to stand here and pretend he wasn’t hopelessly in love with a man he could never have properly.

   Stephen took another deep breath, fixating on the condensation inside the window now, beginning to pool on the old wood, trying to stay aloof and unaffected, “what do you want me to say?”

   There was a pause and Stephen knew Tony didn’t think he’d address it so directly, even though that was why they were here. Another step closer to him and the Cloak did the work of flaring subtly without being prompted, letting Stephen relax as Tony took the hint and stayed several feet away.

   Tony’s voice was unexpectedly soft when he spoke, “you never said anything after. You didn’t deny it and you still haven’t.”

   Tears stung his eyes, but he blinked them away rapidly. He wished he could do this without a lie, could walk this minefield without committing that one last treason to his heart. But of course, Tony would be so perceptive and lock onto the one thing that Stephen hadn’t dared voice.

   Tony had been panting and gasping beneath him, thighs tight around his waist, face sweaty and flushed, mouth parted enticingly as he stared up at Stephen with dark, wanting eyes. It had been then that the words slipped out, surprising both of them it seemed, three little words that tore through Stephen like tidal wave.

   He had almost said it back. They had perched on the tip of his tongue, vocal cords shifting in his throat as though determined to move, to speak without his consent, but Stephen had rallied quickly and crushed his lips to Tony’s, hips stuttering, and Tony’s voice crying out against him as he reached his own peak.

   They didn’t talk about it, the silence going from comforting to stifling in a heartbeat. Still, Stephen waited until the second Tony had entered REM to flee. He had plenty to berate himself for, signs gone unanswered, gleams and looks that should have been a warning.

   Because Tony had made it obvious long before that evening. Weeks in fact, when he began showing up at the Sanctum, not for a hook-up, but for lunch, or a chat on mundane things, or even to learn meditation in order to hold off the nightmares. Then of course, Tony and his walks that he insisted they take, and the coffee shops they must stop at, and the cooking dinner when Stephen went to the penthouse.

   It was nice, it was good, because it was _temporary_.

   They wouldn’t work together, not the way Tony craved. The man was reckless and for all his genius it was his desires and inability to acknowledge the reality around them that made him so good at what he did and so terrible at choosing those he loved.

   Stephen’s life was to be a solitary one. Besides Wong and the few other Masters he had worked and trained with since the Ancient One’s passing, Stephen kept to himself, needed the silence and reflection, and privacy that kept him sane…barely.

   They were incompatible in the most important way. Stephen had a million lives built up in his head, most slashed with either violet or green and it was trial everyday to simply exist in what everyone insisted was the real world. Tony made that just a little bit harder, even with their previous arrangement, because it was all so…strange.

   He had lived lives and experiences that Tony couldn’t even hope to touch and some days he felt ancient, skin-stretched too tight over bone, mind muddles and fuzzy like an aged man, hateful even, of those who seemed so innocent, so youthful.

   Tony deserved better.

   His mouth turned dry as he tried to summon the words that would send him running. Tongue thick and heavy in his mouth as he shaped them, unspoken. It took several long moments of tense silence, of Tony’s brewing anticipation before Stephen realized that sometimes the truth was all you had, brittle and bitter as it might be.

   “I love you,” he whispered. “But I don’t want you.”

   He could practically feel the incredulity in the air between them. Tony would have difficulty accepting it, that much was inevitable, yet he was utterly unsurprised when Tony’s footsteps retreated.

   There were few things crueler than the truth.

   “What _do_ you want then?” Tony asked, voice tight.

   “Peace,” Stephen murmured, voice thick with longing. “I want peace, but without the loneliness.”

   “And I can’t give that to you,” his voice was resigned, bitter.

   “No one can. I don’t think I’ll know peace until the day I die,” Stephen replied honestly. It should be easy now, to turn and face him but he couldn’t look away from the window, letting the rain sooth him.

   He tried to find peace, here in the Sanctum, tried to create a lovely haven where he could rest and forget. It only lasted so long, however, until it would begin feeling too empty, no matter how often Wong visited. Stephen’s mind would become confused and for a few measly hours he’d just like to forget, and Tony made that downright enjoyable. Though even that would last a short while until Stephen craved his solitude once more. A horrible, never ending cycle that Stephen wished he could break.

   “Alright.”

   Stephen frowned, expecting questions, anger, sarcasm, anything but that gentle acquiesces. He found himself still, waiting in mild curiosity for what he might say next or if he would simply leave, never be heard from again. It would hurt, of course it would, but Stephen would respect it.

   “I meant what I said, you don’t have to be alone. I’ll…see you soon. I promise.”

   For the first time that entire conversation, Stephen turned to face Tony. Except it was only to watch his retreating back, tense and straight as he left the Sanctum in near silence. Despite himself, Stephen smiled. Tony understood intimately the struggle between being alone and being _alone_.

   He found himself grateful.

   Stephen had known long before they fell into bed together, that they were kindred spirits, even with the vast difference of experience stretching out between them. Friendship would suit them better, and Stephen supposed he hadn’t given Tony enough credit, when he assumed the man wouldn’t understand that though he loved him so much it ached, he’d never be in a position to want everything, to want him, in the same way Tony needed.

**Author's Note:**

> Always love to hear what people think :)


End file.
